Yes, I am a little behind on the trends that go around the country. As part of my Mother’s Day gifts, one of my sons got me a “bucket list” book. It has three hundred ideas written in and one hundred blank spots to write my own ideas down.

I went through and documented the stuff I’ve already done, which was totally fun. However, there are a lot to still do (and some I will never do). There were two that I thought I would work on over the next fifty-two weeks. The first is to try every flavor of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. Yum! We’ve tried six so far. Again, yum! The trick with this goal is to buy one we know we’ll love and then for the other one to be a questionable flavor. So far, the questionable ones have been really good. 

The second goal is to read one hundred books in a year. I would guess I have previously done so, but this time I’ll actually keep track and write down the titles. I’m excited and, of course, I’ve already started. This is what I was talking about with trends. Last week, I read Thirteen Reasons Why. What an amazing book! I can see why there has been so much concern about it. It has a great message about paying attention to how we treat people. It’s easy to just say what we think, it’s the kind of world we live in now, but there are always consequences, especially when we are unkind.

This week, my husband and I binged on the Netflix series. Wow! It was good. So powerful. He had to go to work part way through the final episode, so I ended up watching it alone. Needless to say, I kind of lost my mind. I cried a river and sort of freaked out.

You already know I have a child who attempted to commit suicide by overdosing, but I also have a child who was a cutter for a considerable amount of time. I have a lot of guilt for not paying more attention to what was going on with them. My child who was cutting repeatedly asked me to get them to counseling, but they would say it once and then not mention it for a month or so and be, seemingly fine, in-between. I was confused most of the time and just unsure about what to do or how to help. 

Now, now. A few years later. I am still just as confused. I still don’t know what I should have done beyond the obvious of take her to counseling. I don’t know why I didn’t. I don’t know how I missed what she was doing. How? How? How? 

I will feel guilt and confusion over these two instances for the rest of my life. I will also be scared every single time one of them appears to be sad or hurting or having a bad day. I live in fear and I hope and pray that they will never need me like that again, because I don’t have a lot of faith that I will be prepared to help.